The Twilight Saga

Här kommer det tredje kapitlet på den fan gjorda "New moon" som är skriven ur Edwards perspektiv. Har du inte läst kapitel 1 & 2? Klicka då här för att göra det!

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Guilt

Emmett and Rosalie wrestled Jasper outside. Reason was beginning to come to him.

Oh my God… what’s going on? Where’s Bella? Did I kill her? Edward’s going to be so mad. Oh… he’s probably listening. I’m so sorry, Edward. I knew this would happen someday. Is Bella okay? Oh, no what have I done…?

He was looking through the window at my horrified, furious face. I quickly rearranged my expression so it was one of forgiveness. I couldn’t leave with him feeling guilty. I nodded to him and he immediately relaxed in Emmett stone grasp. Then he took off running. Emmett thought he was going for Bella again.

“Emmett,” I stated quietly. He turned to face me, thinking I didn’t know what was going on. I shook my head, “He’s fine, just guilty.” He nodded and sat on the front porch with Rosalie, taking as few breaths as possible because of the scent wafting out the front door.

I took a deep breath through my mouth and turned to face Bella. She would be angry at Jasper, I was sure of it. But as I looked at her face the only thing written on it was guilt. She felt guilty? How was that humanly possible? Carlisle began prepping her arm for stitching. I wasn’t breathing.

“Just go, Edward,” she told me. She didn’t want to make me unnecessarily uncomfortable. But I was fine not breathing as long as I knew she was okay.

She looked like she was going to argue so I quickly said, “I can handle it.” She ordered me to get some fresh air. Carlisle told me to go find Jasper. I narrowed my eyes. They thought I couldn’t handle the idea of blood gushing…. I shook my head and left. I couldn’t think of anything else with that image in my head.

I followed Jasper’s scent to the middle of the forest, where he was sitting on a boulder with his head in his hands, murmuring something so fast even a vampire couldn’t hear him. I jumped into a tree that was about eye level with the gigantic rock.

“So,” I said awkwardly.

“So.”

The silence was getting very uncomfortable.

“How’s life, Jasper?” I said, knowing it would amuse him.

He cracked a smile, then quickly lapsed back into his depression.

“Nobody blames you. You know that, right?”

“But I blame myself. If only I were stronger, if only I could have more restraint, if only-.” I cut him off.

“I said nobody blames you. And nobody should. Not even yourself.”

“But-” he started.

“But nothing. We all would have done the same thing if we were you, even Carlisle,” I comforted him. “It took us all years, years, to perfect what we can do. And it’s not without a struggle. It’s hard, but you’ll get better. I know it.”

“But,” he emphasized, daring me to interrupt him again. “But, what if I don’t?”

“Then you don’t and we’ll all go live with Tanya,” I repressed a shudder at the thought of Tanya. Tanya here, Tanya there, Tanya everywhere. And then me, always having to avoid her leading questions. Ugh. I was almost glad to be leaving.

“I don’t like moose,” he said grumpily. But I could tell he was feeling better.

“Too bad, Jasper,” I taunted him.

“Thanks, Edward,” he said sarcastically. Then he turned serious. “I think… I think I’m going to stay out here for a bit. Let me know when… it’s safe.”

“No problem.”

I hoped he would feel better eventually. I sped back to the house, where Emmett and Rosalie were still talking. I heard Carlisle telling Bella the end of a story. My story. He offered to take her home.

“I’ll do that,” I offered her. She was reading my face carefully. I tried to keep my face as expressionless as possible. Maybe she wouldn’t figure out the truth that way. Her eyes narrowed as she tried and failed to figure out what I was hiding. I hoped she wouldn’t guess until I told her I was leaving. She changed into a shirt of Esme’s that was similar to the color of her own.

“Take your things!” Alice reminded her, shoving the presents into Bella’s arm.

We climbed into the car silently. I drove down the driveway, thinking of ways to break Bella’s heart.

Dearest Bella,

I love you very much but I have to leave. I’m writing this in a letter so…

No. Absolutely not. I couldn’t leave her in a letter. I would have to watch as my words sank in. Watch her eyes as they filled with tears. But she probably wouldn’t believe me. I would have to lie for hours possibly days to make sure she got the message that I no longer loved her. Maybe she wouldn’t believe at all. Once I gave up, what would I say? April Fool’s? No. It was stay or leave and I had to leave. But I loved her terribly. Every molecule of my being loved her. It would be torture to rip myself away from her for even a month. A month. I winced at the thought. And I would have to stay away for hundreds of years. Maybe I could check on her every once in a while.

“Say something,” she pleaded.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked still preoccupied with my evil plans. I sounded like a villain. But I was leaving for her, not for me. Was that evil? I wanted to say yes, but my better half told me I had to leave. I had to give her a chance with a human, not a vampire. Bella would marry someone human and normal and not… a vampire. I sighed.

“Tell me you forgive me.”

What was she saying? I was lost. And angry. How did she possibly come to the conclusion that this was her fault? “Forgive you? For what?”

“If I had been more careful, nothing would have happened.”

I wanted to punch something. Then beat it into dust. How lucky I am that I can actually do that…. She was so giving, so loving, so ready to take the blame for things that were not her fault!

“Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut. That hardly deserves the death penalty.”

“It’s still my fault,” she said stubbornly.

I had to get through to her somehow.

“Your fault? If you’d cut yourself at Mike Newton’s house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could have possibly happened would be what? Maybe they couldn’t find you a bandage? If you’d tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own-without someone throwing you into them- even then, what’s the worst? You’d get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up- and he wouldn’t be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don’t try and take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself. “

“How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?”

“Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would have been a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with,” I was so angry at myself but trying to be calm and rational at the same time.

“I’d rather die than be with Mike Newton. I’d rather die than be with anyone but you,” she said dramatically. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes but was at the same time praising God that she was still picking me over anyone else even though I was leaving.

“Don’t be melodramatic, please,” I snorted.

“Well then, don’t you be ridiculous,” she said angrily.

After we arrived at her house, she asked me to stay. I wanted to go home to explain to my family what I was doing. We needed to work things out. She finally convinced me by saying it was her birthday. I took the presents up to her room and left them on her bedside table. I finally sat in the middle of the bed, plotting of ways to leave. But my mind kept wandering back to the image of Bella lying on the floor with her mouth open in shock. I couldn’t think straight. When she opened the door, my greeting was sadder than I meant it to be. The rest of the night was a blur. I couldn’t concentrate on any one thing. Until she wanted to kiss me. Which was fine, if not a welcome distraction. But I realized if I wanted to say goodbye I would have to do it cleanly. This was our last kiss. I would have cried if I could. Somewhere in the middle my lips turned desperate and of course Bella was completely ready to overstep my boundaries. But, at the moment, I really didn’t care. I quickly pushed her away before things got too far. She kept staring at me, knowing that something was wrong, that something was off. I stared back as a caught my breath and said “Sorry, that was out of line.”

“I don’t mind,” she said breathlessly.

I grimaced. She was so willing to risk her life every time she wanted a kiss. Yet another reason why she needed someone human. “Try to sleep, Bella.” Yes, please try to sleep. I needed to think.

“No, I want you to kiss me again.” She was as stubborn as ever.

“You’re overestimating my self-control.”

“Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?” she asked flirtatiously.

“It’s a tie.” I smiled quickly. “Now, why don’t you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?”

“Fine.” She pretended to cuddle closer but I knew she was putting her hurt arm against my arm. I grinned in the dark room. This was my last night where I could be myself. Now, I had to pretend that I wasn’t interested anymore. It was impossibly painful for me but I knew I had to do it to save her. She would get over me… eventually.

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/Sara